I’m normally numb to the tawdry tabloid side of sports and entertainment, but Wednesday’s mind-blowing story involving future Hall of Famer Roberto Alomar possibly carrying the AIDS virus and knowingly…man, I just can’t get my head around this.

Justin Duchscherer

10-8, 2.54 ERA, 22 GS

The Good News: It was something of a breakout campaign for the unassuming, erstwhile relief pitcher. He spent most of the season among the league leaders in ERA and was named to the All-Star Game (where Fox PBP guy Joe Buck – unfamiliar with any player east of the Mississippi – mispronounced Duke’s last name). He was often economical with his pitch count while going deeper into games as the season wore on.

Daric Barton – 1B

.226 BA .327 OBP .348 SLG

The Good News: After bottoming out offensively with a .595 OPS on August 21, Barton hit .307/.418/.525 over his final 124 plate appearances (31 games). His defense noticeably improved throughout the year – in fact the relatively esoteric stat RZR ranked him as one of the top gloves at first base in all of baseball.

After being quietly linked to Colorado Rockies OF Matt Holliday since the end of the season, the A’s “surprised” the national media that generally ignores all things Oakland by (reportedly) agreeing to a deal.

Holliday for OF Carlos Gonzalez, SP Greg Smith and RP Huston Street

Look, there are a number of angles to explore here. Will the Phillies be rusty after a week-long layoff? Did the seven-game split-decision with the Red Sox sap the Rays dry? Do the Rays have any answer for the Cole Hamels Express? Which Phillies offense will show up: the flaccid squad that couldn’t hit the Brewers or the not-as-impotent troupe that defeated the Dodgers?

The Rays make for a cute, cuddly bunch of base stealing scamps who have a whale of a pitching staff, but an inferior offense to the Red Sox. I’ll be the first one to call myself out for eating it with my White Sox/Rays guess, but unlike Chicago, Boston’s “O” can run with Tampa’s (3rd vs. 1st in team stolen bases) and reaches base better than anyone in the AL. Throw in a comparable allocation of arms on the mound and I see a competitive series, but one that’s still easy to call.

Game: Arizona Diamondbacks at Houston Astros
Date: August 16
Network: FSN-Houston

Play-by-Play: Bill Brown
Color Commentator: Jim Deshaies
“Patti” with an “I”, Annoying with an “A”: Patti Smith (Sorry, kids…the Astros have someone who’s even harder to find a picture of than the Arizona’s “interview bunny”.)

Game: Florida Marlins at Los Angeles Dodgers
Date: July 10
Network: FSN-Prime Ticket

Play-by-Play: Vin Scully
Color Commentator: None
Pre-Game Stooge Troika: Patrick O’Neal, Kevin Kennedy and Steve Lyons

Game: Cincinnati Reds at Philadelphia Phillies
Date: June 5
Network: Comcast SportsNet

Play-by-Play: Harry Kalas (1-3, 7-9 innings) Tom McCarthy (4-6 innings)
Color Commentators: Gary Matthews, Chris “Wheels” Wheeler

Game: St. Louis Cardinals at Atlanta Braves
Date: July 31
Network: Fox Sports Net-Midwest

Play-by-Play: Dan McLaughlin
Color Commentator: Al Hrabosky

Game: Detroit Tigers at Seattle Mariners
Date: July 4
Network: FSN-Northwest

Play-by-Play: Dave Niehaus (Innings 1-3); Dave Sims (Innings 4-9)
Color Commentator: Mike Blowers
Rally Fry Girl: Cara Capuano (mildly attractive in-game correspondent who hands out french fries to parasites who bring signs begging for free food)

Game: New York Yankees at Minnesota Twins
Date: June 2
Network: FSN-North (MN)

Play-by-Play: Dick Bremer
Color Commentator: Bert Blyleven

Game: Oakland A’s at Chicago White Sox
Date: July 4
Network: Comcast SportsNet

Play-by-Play: Ken “Hawk” Harrelson
Color Commentator: Darrin Jackson

Game: Milwaukee Brewers at St. Louis Cardinals
Date: July 24
Network: FSN-Wisconsin

Play-by-Play: Brian Anderson
Color Commentator: Bill Schroeder
Long name. Not a natural blonde.: Trenni Kusnierek
Studio Hosts? For the Brewers?!: Jeff Grayson & Jeff Cirillo

Game: Oakland A’s at Texas Rangers
Date: May 30
Network: Fox Sports Net-Southwest

Play-by-Play: Josh Lewin
Color Commentator: Tom Grieve
In-Game Tapeworm: Jim Knox

Game: Baltimore Orioles at Boston Red Sox
Date: July 11
Network: New England Sports Network (NESN)

Play-by-Play: Don Orsillo
Color Commentator: Jerry Remy
Hotter’n 100 Hazel Maes: Heidi Watney

Game: Los Angeles Angels vs. Oakland A’s
Date: July 13
Network: Comcast SportsNet

Play-by-Play: Glen Kuiper
Color Commentator: Ray Fosse
Token Girl Near the Dugout: Jaymee Sire

Game: Toronto Blue Jays at Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Date: May 31
Network: Rogers SportsNet

Play-by-Play: Jaime Campbell
Color Commentator: Rance Mulliniks

Game: Houston Astros at Pittsburgh Pirates
Date: July 7
Network: Fox Sports Net-Pittsburgh

Play-by-Play: Greg Brown
Color Commentator: Steve Blass

Game: Washington Nationals at Cincinnati Reds
Date: July 6
Network: Fox Sports Net-Ohio

Play-by-Play: George Grande
Color Commentator: Chris Welsh